Friday, October 14, 2011


Book:  Modelland
Author:  Tyra Banks
Like/Don't Like:  Um, well, that's complicated

Where do I begin?  Oh, how about THIS IS THE CRAZIEST, CRAPPIEST BOOK I'VE EVER READ.  And I mean that in the best possible way.  You know how sometimes you watch really horrible movies for the laughs?  Like Spice World?  Well, this was the book version of that.  And let me just tell you, if you don't appreciate Tyra's brand of crazy, this book will be UNREADABLE.  If you don't think that Tyra's funny accents and zany antics and wackadoo jumpsuits and weaves and gimmicks are a special type of hilarious than you would be miserable reading this book.  Because it is baaaaaaaaaaad.

For the plot: we have Tookie de la Creme (for real) as our heroine.  She is overlooked by everyone around her but she somehow makes it into Modelland, a school for would-be models (think Harry Potter meets ANTM) and goes through the rigorous training.  Or at least I think she does.  For a book that is over 500 pages (and, according to the acknowledgements, was originally over 1000) there was very little action.  Everything is description, description, description.  I got the feeling that Tyra's golden rule for writing was More Is More.  If it can be said in 10 words it would be better in 100.  Why just use 1 adjective when the thesaurus is giving 20.  There were so many crazy characters and activities and places that about 100 pages into it I started just skimming through all the descriptions.  I could not help but compare it to Twilight.  Although, to Tyra's credit, Twilight is WAY more insufferable.  We all know that Tyra is crazy.  Stephanie Meyer has no excuse.

So Tyra is a lot of things, but a good writer is not one of them.  Fortunately for all of us she has other talents. 

Talents like:  the excessive use of adjectives and adverbs; the ability to say something in 100 words that a normal person would only say in 5; making up cutesy names for things that already have names; taking those cutesy names and giving them cutesy nicknames, abbreviations or acronyms; creating the most elaborate description of every single item, action, place, person, outfit, food, dance move and modeling technique found in the book; making me simultaneously laugh out loud and pray for death.

Oh, Tyra, what would I do without you.