Author: Stephanie Meyer
Like/Don't Like: Dear Stephanie Meyer, Please edit. EDIT! EDIT! EDIT! Love, Rachel
Alright. I get it. I see why every single person on the planet has recommended this book to me. The story is interesting. Edward is dreamy. I wish I could fall in love with a vampire. Now will you please leave me alone?
It's not the story I have a problem with, it's the writing (okay, maybe a little bit of the story, but they're minor points and mostly because of the writing so I'm not even going to touch them) Which means that this is purely a technical issue I have with it and if you're not like me and certain writing styles don't ruin a book for you then by all means read it and love it. I'm not judging you at all. I want you to love this book. Really. I have a load of friends who love this book and I don't want to offend any of them so I hope the "it's not you, it's me" excuse flies here.
How about I talk about what I did like? It's quick and easy. The perfect book for summer. And it's romantic. And interesting in that I've never read a vampire book before. But it's not actually a vampire book, it's a romance book. A big fat romance book. You should keep this in mind.
Which leads me to what I didn't like. You remember that friend of yours who started dating a guy and for the first month or so they couldn't stop cuddling and whispering and touching each other and every time you were with them you wanted to gag and you would talk about them with your other friends, like, "For crying in the mud! We're in the middle of church and they can't stop massaging each other!"? That is totally this book. It's like I was stuck on a very long road trip with Bella and Edward and all they could say was, "I love you," "I love you more," "No, I love you more." "Uh-uh. I love YOU more." "Schmoopy." "No, you're a schmoopy." "But you're my schmoopy." "Stop it schmoopy!" "No, you stop it schmoopy!" Cuddle, cuddle, snuggle, snuggle, gaze longingly into each other's eyes. Gag! I'm totally fine with a page or two of that and I know exactly how true to form it is, but 200 pages is ridiculous.
And enough with the descriptions. The book never shuts up. It is never just, "'Blah, blah, blah,' said Bella." Instead it's "'Blah, blah, blah,' whispered Bella as she looked deep into his golden eyes and touched his perfectly sculpted hand." Every, and I really do mean every, conversation went on like this.
You see, I'm a less is more girl when it comes to books. I like to use my imagination a little and this book never lets you. It tells you everything. Every class Bella has, the path that she takes at school, the friends she sees in the hallways, what she cooks for dinner, the clothes that she's wearing, the gas mileage her truck gets. I know that this is a common flaw in a lot of first books but it's not one that I deal very well with. It wouldn't be so bad if it didn't get in the way of the story but when 50% of the book is describing things like how gorgeous Edward is, I get a little annoyed.
And now for some examples of things that nearly made me give it all up.
She would not stop talking about his eyes and so I started jotting down a few of the descriptions: ocher, deep golden honey, darker than butterscotch, deep gold, burning gold, blazing gold, dark golden, and - my personal favorite - liquid topaz. LIQUID TOPAZ!
How about this one: "The light of the setting orb glittering off his skin in ruby-tinged sparkles." Are you kidding me?
Or..."I didn't feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full -- of butterflies."
And do people really gulp when they're taken aback? Because Bella was always gulping, as in, "He touched my arm. I gulped." Really? Like she's some kind of old-timey cartoon.
If I were in a Stephanie Meyer book right now it would go something like this: "Rachel sighed and rolled her grass colored eyes, tossed the weighty licorice black book to the side of the couch and sarcastically whispered, 'Looks like someone found her thesaurus."