Like/Don't Like: Like*
Dear Renee Zellweger,
I wish you would stop making movies. Especially movies that I want to see. Because there's something about you that makes me really uncomfortable. Okay, there are several things about you that make me uncomfortable.
I'll start with the eyes. How can you see through those things? With the exception of Bridget Jones' Diary, where you had to stand agog and googly eyed a lot, your eyes are usually two inky black holes in your head. I'm not kidding, when I picture you in my head all I can see is your face with no eyes. Like a dead doll. It's kind of creepy. But, those were the eyes you were born with and I applaud your resolve to not get them done. Although, if you were ever considering plastic surgery, that should be the top of your list: eye implants.
How about we move on to the things you can work on now. For instance, that habit you have of scrunching up your face and pursing your lips and tucking your chin in. It is not very flattering. And your voice. Why do you always have to whisper? And sometimes you act like you're drunk. There have been several times when I've seen you on Oprah or presenting at the Oscars and you look like you killed the time during your limo ride by playing a drinking game with your publicist where you had to take a drink any time you saw a car that wasn't plaid. I got the impression the last time I saw you on Oprah that maybe it's shyness. Maybe you feel awkward in public. Here's a tip, if you act natural, and not like a lush, and you smile and talk at a normal voice then you give off the impression that you're actually quite comfortable, even if you're not.
It's called acting, Renee.
Which brings me to your movie. I liked Miss Potter the same way I like oatmeal. They're both very wholesome and satisfying and easy to digest. I certainly don't mind oatmeal, and sometimes I even crave it. But even though I like oatmeal, I always wish that it were bacon instead. And while I liked the movie, I was kind of wishing that it were something different. Mostly because, like oatmeal, it was kind of bland. In order to make oatmeal better you have to add butter and brown sugar. And for Miss Potter to be better it would have needed more of a story line, and possibly less of you and your beady little eyes. A British actress would have been a good start. Or at least someone who could do a more convincing accent.
*The asterisk has created a new category. It means that I will remember liking the movie but something will hold me back from saying that I really liked it and you should watch it this minute.